Doctor Duo
by Annoying Little Twit
Summary: Sequel to People Lessons 101. "Lesson 1 in charming people: Pretend you like them, even if you really don't."


"Eh... Run that by me again?" Duo squeaked out. Wufei and Heero stood in front of him, the former relaxed and the latter stern. He felt trapped and confused by the request that had tumbled out of the Wing pilot's mouth.

"I need to become you."

Duo looked helplessly at Wufei, who gave a shrug with his shoulder while grinning. The amusement coming off of the (former) L5 native was palpable, and didn't help Duo's situation whatso_ever_.

"You need'ta be a lil'more sp'sific than tha', Hee-chan," Duo sighed, draping his arms loosely over the back of the chair and resting his head on top of them. He wasn't quite sure where Heero was going with this, but he would indulge his socially demented friend.

For now, at least.

"I have been unsuccessful in retrieving intel and Wufei has suggested it is because I appear untrustworthy and intimidating-" _No shit? _Duo thought, meeting Wufei's amused eyes. "-and as you have great success in the areas of charisma and approachability I need you to teach me how to become you."

"That isn't as easy as you're making it sound, buddy," Duo said slowly, brows furrowing as he grasped the idea. Duo had been stuck on the down-low after he had escaped from his execution by OZ, since they had the nerve to show his face on every broadcasting station. Now that the entire Sphere knew what he looked like, it wasn't 'safe' for him to be running around in public (according to Heero). As he had been the main source of intel, not to mention the most connections both dirtside and in space, it had been a large blow to all of them to suddenly lose it. Quatre and Trowa had been helpful in passing along their information, but Wufei and Heero had not been as successful in creating their own sources.

"But I've gotten _this_ far with you, I'm sure Doctor Duo could do a bit more work, ne?" Duo said, grinning. Wufei raised an eyebrow at the self-imposed title and Heero snorted.

"You hold no doctorates of any type," he pointed out. From the tone of his voice, this had been a fact that had been noted by (and irritated) Heero before. Duo grinned.

"No school teaches _these _skills, Heero!"

* * *

"Okay, first off... stop scowling," Duo demanded, trying to stand as intimidatingly as he could. Seeing as how both Heero _and_ Wufei stood several inches (more like one or two, but Duo felt it was a much larger gap) taller than him, it wasn't as effective as it should have been. Heero's face went blank, causing Duo to smack his own.

"Do you know how to smile?" Heero glared, before relaxing his face and letting his lips quirk. Duo took a sharp breath, letting his own smile form.

"Okay! Practice a bit to make it look more natural, but I think we have a good start."

Wufei was sitting in Duo's chair (though he had turned it to sit properly) watching the 'Look at Me, I'm Really Nice! Lessons' take place. Duo could see a slight flush on his face, eyes watching Heero intently. Duo snickered, amused that he hadn't been the only one affected by the sight of Heero's smile. Focusing again on his pupil, Duo intertwined his fingers together behind his back, walking around the still form of Heero.

"Relax. If you act like everyone's 'bout to jump yer bones, no one's gonna wanna 'proach ya. Ya always gotta be on guard, but ya can't _look _like ya are, got it?"

Some of the tension left Heero, but Duo could still see telltale signs of it existing. And if _he _could see it, so would Duo's old contacts.

"_Relax_, Hee-chan. I still see yer stiff."

Duo's eyes turned as Wufei choked, the red having spread further across his cheekbones and down his neck.

"Mind outta th'gutter, Wu-wu!"

Confusion spread over Heero's features, but they smoothed out as Duo waved his hand dismissively. "A different lesson for a different day, Hee-chan." Heero gave a nod, trusting Duo to fill him in later.

"Okay... Lesson 1 in charming people: Pretend you like them, even if you really don't."

"How is that accomplished?" Heero asked, and Duo grinned.

"R'member back when we hid out at that rich school, where Her Royal Bitchiness was at?" When Heero nodded, Duo continued. "Think of how I treated the other kids there."

"You were overly talkative. Said things that they laughed at. Smiled a lot," Heero summarized, Duo nodding.

"Yeah, that's acting friendly. In truth, I couldn't v'cared less if they jumped off the roof 'n died. I didn't know any of their names, an' I cared little about them as people. But I _appeared_ t'like 'em, and s'they felt more relaxed 'round me."

"So my objective is to engage in acceptable social behaviours that lull a person into a false sense of ease to leave them open for deception," Heero concluded, and Duo shrugged. It was close enough.

"_Now _you're gettin' it. Okay, so now ya have ta practice bein' friendly."

"And how do you propose that I do that? I like you well enough already," Heero asked, and Duo flushed slightly.

Here came the hard part.

"Er... That's why I let Wu-man follow us down. Hey, lazy ass, get'n over here an' be the dummy!"

Wufei had jumped up at that, glaring at Duo while holding his ground.

"You said I would only be watching," he accused, and Duo shook his head, grinning.

"No, I _said_ y'could come down an' watch if y'wanted to. It saves _me_ the trouble of havin'ta find _you_ later. 'Sides, you watch us enough ya shouldn' bother with askin' anymore," Duo teased, enjoying the flush that formed from the innuendo.

"Fine!" Wufei growled, stomping over to stand across from Heero. Heero looked rather displeased with the arrangement, causing Duo to smirk.

"Now r'member, ya gotta act like he's gonna be yer best frien'," Duo said, moving to stand next to Heero. He wrapped an arm around the other boy's shoulder, leaning closer and pitching his voice low so it wouldn't carry to Wufei.

"Now first you'd wanna watch 'em 'fore movin' to talk to 'em. But ya already kinda know Wu, so we're skippin' that part. Think of what ya know; what does he like, what does he not like, what kinda people does he prefer, which people does he _not_? Know this, an' become someone he'd like ta be 'round. Tha's how y'get 'em to drop their guard 'round ya. Then y'go in for th'kill."

"I was not aware I was intending to eliminate my target. Would a direct approach not be more suitable for such a task?"

"Figure've speech, buddy. Now go play nice while I fin' somethin'ta eat in this dump."

* * *

It wasn't often that the small, run-down shack was absolutely quiet. If Duo wasn't harassing his housemates, he was working with volatile materials in the kitchen. Wufei wasn't known to be loud - in exception to strangling Duo - but his arguments with Heero could get quite heated. Heero wasn't very noisy, either, even in regards to putting up with the others.

So when Duo wandered downstairs, the silence was unnerving.

He checked the kitchen - empty - and the living room - also empty - before trying the upstairs bedrooms. Those two were also empty, and that left the basement; the same basement that he had left them in earlier.

A soundproof basement with _lots_ of weapons.

"Oh man, Quat's gonna _skin_ me if I let'em kill each other..." he moaned, throwing open the basement door.

"Dude, _please_ tell me you're-"

"What are you shouting about now?" Wufei's voice floated up the stairs. Duo relaxed, loping down the stairs quickly and swinging himself around the corner.

There on the floor sat Heero, reading a book. Wufei also had a book open, and was leaning against a metal box.

"So y'_didn't_ off each other, that's good!" Duo chirped, and Wufei raised an eyebrow. Heero flipped the page, not even looking up as he commented.

"As I said, Chang, he has a fatalistic outlook on everything in life."

"Well, I knew he was morbid, but I didn't know it was _this_ bad."

"Wait..." Duo trailed off, his brow furrowing. "Were you talking about _me_?"

"Your objectives stated to cause the other to feel at ease. The only thing I have information on in regards to subjects is you."

"Which, by the way, is creepy," Wufei noted, and Heero continued.

"So we engaged in a discussion involving you, and the observation of your fatalistic outlook in regards to every situation was brought up. Chang disagreed, so we decided to conduct an experiment to see which one of us was correct. As I have won, Chang is now in charge of supplying our meals for the next fortnight."

Duo blinked, trying to process everything his best friend just told him.

"Uhm, that's not quite what I meant-"

"And as such, Chang has also agreed to not observe our nightly habits and allow us the privacy we should be entitled to-"

"I'm not watching anything! You don't _do_ anything!" Wufei objected, and Duo felt the grin stretch across his face.

"-and to obtain permission before proceeding to observe. I informed him that with permission there is no problem in overseeing our interactions."

"So hear that Wu-wu," Duo drawled, "you haveta _ask_ 'fore y'peep."

* * *

"So why'cha ask me to teach'ya?" Duo asked later, his nose brushing the column of Heero's throat. The other boy hummed, his hand idly playing with Duo's long braid.

"You are our elite operative when it comes to gaining local intelligence."

"Yeah, but you wouldn't try t'go out an' get information from my contacts in'da firs' place," Duo pointed out, his lip brushing along Heero's jaw as he spoke.

"Agreed. My contacts would be vastly different. I also had the enjoyed benefit of seeing Chang suffer under your machinations."

"Hee-chan," Duo groaned, "please tell me y'didn't plan this justa get under his skin!"

"It was most effective."

"Yeah it was," Duo mumbled, shifting a bit. His arm was starting to cramp, so he let it stretch out, his fingers twining into Heero's hair.

"So... do'ya think Wu-chan'll stop watchin' us at night?"

"Negative. He derives great pleasure from it."

"...Think we should just invite him to cuddle with us?"

"Negative."

Duo sat up, looking down at the smug look on Heero's face. Before he could object, Heero finished his thought.

"There is not enough room for three people to lie down comfortably."

Duo's wicked grin was all that Wufei could see in the moonlight.


End file.
